The #1 Question to Ask Yourself When You’re Exhausted from Things Beyond Your Control
Stop settling for less by asking yourself this one powerful question
“What am I tolerating?”
I love this question. It’s so powerful because it can really put you on the spot, regardless of your answer.
4 Circumstances on when to use “What am I tolerating?”
There are a multitude of circumstances when you can use this question both in your professional and personal life. For now, I’ll stick to the ones for your professional life:
You feel like people in your team are not meeting your expectations
Typically when someone tells me about a problem that someone else is causing, that person is unaware of the situation. Is the person you're thinking of aware that you're irritated?
In most cases, people will put on a professional, agreeable face when interacting with a person and then they stress out about the problem behind closed doors.
But as much as this person is not meeting your expectations, it could be that you're allowing them to happen by not communicating your needs or expectations.
If you fear the thought of becoming a micromanager...ask yourself if you're even managing at all! You can find a grey zone between not managing and micromanaging.
One place to start in striking a balance is simply by becoming aware of the other person's strengths and allowing them to be autonomous when it comes to those elements and then do a little more hand-holding for the areas they need to improve.
2. You’re making an effort to work around people with strong personalities or power
Another challenge I hear often is dealing with people who have strong personalities. For example, let’s say you are leading a group meeting and that one person is always acting confrontational, be it questioning how things are done, or just phrasing things in an aggressive way.
What I usually hear is that it becomes nerve-racking to enter meetings out of fear of how this one person will react, and the tendency is to want to avoid the situation at all costs or to back away when the person has the floor.
One thing I find helpful in this situation is to use a metaphor for how you’re feeling in this relationship dynamic. A great one I heard from a coachee is, “I feel like I’m at a battle and I have all of my armor on in defense.”
She reframed her metaphor to wanting to be a leader who plays more offense. Heck, to create an environment that doesn’t feel like a battlefield at all. This became the basis of our conversation on what behaviors or approaches she could take to make that happen.
3. You feel overwhelmed by the amount of work on your plate
When it comes to the question of "What am I tolerating?" the conversation usually moves to setting boundaries.
Maybe you feel you're always interrupted by others.
Maybe you have overfilled your plate with work because it's difficult to say no (or to ask to extend a deadline).
Maybe you feel obligated to help others at work that it distracts you from focusing on your own.
Your ability to tolerate a lot on your plate is so strong that you've created an uncomfortable situation for yourself.
4. You’ve fallen off the bandwagon (again)
"Falling off the bandwagon" could relate to any kind of recurring problem that pops up, or constantly falling short of a goal.
You're tolerating the fact that something outside your control has impacted your goal, but at the same time, you're not looking for an alternative solution to help yourself in times of uncertainty.
Why do we tolerate things?
Usually, we tolerate things when we assume that nothing can be done about them. Another way to put it is that you’re settling for something. The things that are stressing you out have reached a magnitude because, on some level, you've allowed it.
Maybe you’ve heard yourself think these thoughts:
“That’s just the way things are.”
“That’s just how I am.”
“I don’t see what else to do instead.”
“I’m scared that if I try XYZ, the outcome would be worse.”
When you ask yourself, “What am I tolerating”, it shines a light on what your role is in this situation. So while things may feel beyond your control, there is always some part big or small that truly is within it.
Reminder: You are in the driver’s seat.